Prewarning! Going to be a LOONGGG one, but it might be worth sharing for some of you who need some inspiration? So here it goes:
Can you ever truly stop being who you are? Even with demons riding your shoulders, you are still you at the very inner core. We walk through life wearing a mask to every person we meet in the street, we don't truly allow those people to come into our world, these strangers. When you greet a certain woman on the street, is this how you would greet your friends who show up for your party? We each have a natural guard, some guards are thicker than other guards we show. How much trust do you put into yourself in knowing how to use the guard correctly for every person you know? How much should you guard from those you know? I am not talking directly about guarding and hiding a secret. I am talking about guarding and protecting your inner core and your heart.
As a child we learn how our voice can be heard to get the basic necessities we need for survival. How do we do this as an adult? What happens to the child who never had a voice to express what they needed or how they were hurting? What becomes of the child in adulthood? How does she use her voice if she's never taught how? I have learned through the years that children need their voices and every good parent should teach and allow that child to use it. The voice comes not only from the vocal box, but also through the movements, decisions, action and reactions, showings, her artistic abilities, and every act whether seen in right or wrong light, is her voice trying to be heard. What does she have to say? Who does she have to say it to? Herself, the cosmic world, her lover, her children, her friends? Many voiceless adults know what they have to express, but fail in almost every attempt to try to be heard. Communication signals are crossed, the ones that emanate outward from within, the longer the chords- the more tangled these become. This breakdown leads to break ups of relationships, families, working conditions, networking of friends, and so forth. At an early time in life, I used art to communicate my voice and as I grew into teenage years, my voice became a part of my destructive behavior which continued well into my early adult years. My voice was heard by very few, although translation was unclear. I fought hard to make my voice heard, on a vocal level but also an artistic level. Every act of my self was one step closer to learning to get my voice heard. I didn't need to be heard by every single person I came across in life's travels, the first person I needed to hear my voice was myself. Hearing my voice allowed me to recognize my pain and my pleasures. I was silenced as a child, the only way I knew to truly find my voice was through means of unconventional acts to the mundane eye. I knew early on I would walk a path that would be misunderstood, judged, feared, stereotyped, and mistrusted. However, that is the only way I knew how to walk, I have always leaned to the darker and more fierce side and methods to break through to the core of my being. Walking in the darkness, and silent, with no voice will take you this path. It was through all my trials, errors, and failures to have my voice heard, to get to the truth of who I was, using the only ways I knew to use, did I finally find the right way to have my voice heard. I was around 30 years old when that light bulb came on. yay, go me! Yes, I found that way. However, the next hard task was finding a way to break the silence I had created around me. Words had no meaning through the filters of damaged canals I had created for those around me. In fact those around me, I believe, for their own reason and not at true fault, had clogged vessels and channels and really wasn't able to hear what I had to say, nor could they see how my behavior was self destructive. Did they take on that hurt and pain, did I cause the hurt and pain, not intentionally for both. Not only do you need to know how to say what you need to say, the receiver needs to know how to listen to not only words and actions but the deeper source of what is being communicated. For me it was a reaching out saying "I am confused, I am lost, I love you, please tell me what to do, because I am failing miserably at this!" But once I came to the point of realization and the strength to take the path to healing, all I could do at that point was to show what I had accomplished, in hopes that an understanding would come forth to those around me. I had conquered a demon but I never realized the spawns it secretly created while I was looking inward until a year later.
For the next 8 years, my task was to use the voice I had found, help others to find their voice, and to finally show my love and children what I had always felt and believed in about them and us as a whole unit. So when I say that everything I do I do for them and I do for me, this is it right here, searching and reaching, putting my whole being out there, making my voice be heard to express what they are to me.
Tears can come from pain or joy. Confusing actions and reactions can come from those same places. The self can be lost in translation, and I felt lost in translation for sure. One thing that never changed is the love I have always had with me for myself, my children, and the love of my life. I had learned to heal myself in ways that were more in alignment for me and for my family, I attuned my spiritual path more correctly to it's roots and nature. I went back to college and finished a degree. I started a business specifically for aiding and guiding others in need of help. I worked hard every day to show the ones around me that I loved them, and that knowing that I went through hell for that many years, I tried very much to shelter and protect them all so they never had to feel what I was feeling. Yes, that was my blind eye, not realizing that my silence, was misconstrued. The double edge sword in the gut was finding out that the one love of my life misunderstood me, didn't trust me, and couldn't see the true beauty within me as I thought he had. For he was the only strength I could pull from when I had none, but I pulled so much of his strength, that it left him dazed, confused, angry, and hurt. This is how strong the demon that rode on the crazy bus to my hell was. Never my intention, could be stopped, no way. Did I grow and evolve from it, absolutely.
When I began to have children, I encouraged them through the years to speak their truth, speak their mind, express themselves, and to not be afraid to express themselves. All three of my beautiful bundles of joy are expressive, full of love and emotions, and do not hide from the world. They have true liberty, unlike what I had at their age. If I am only able to give them one gift, that would be the gift that I give to them, freedom to be who they are, and go any where they want, free of fear to be who they are and have their voice be heard in any way they see fit. I know that for everything that I have ever done or tried to do, was to be able to be heard, from early poetry, rituals, drawings, photography, more rituals, bdsm, psychedelics, alcohol, more rituals, writings, more drawings, more poetry, priestessing, healings, was directly for the sole purpose of seeking the self and self's voice and making it be heard. Many of these paths like I say have been judged, misunderstood, stereotyped, etc. If I said I did it with love in my heart, that alone is misunderstood and mistrusted. Unfortunately, I can't go back in time and pull out websites of my old photography to show that it was all in the act of trying to be heard, the writings, the blogs, all of it. Maybe it's on an old hard drive somewhere if I was smart enough back then to back up files... One thing that is true and stands true, is that the friends that I have made along the way, and my family, and some place deep in the heart of the one that I am close to who has shared my life for 16 years, they all know this to be true of who I am, where I have been, and why. Today my only wish is for my love to regain his strength and balance and come to clarity of our path together. To see (and understand) how very much in love with him I have always been and always will be, and know in his heart that we alone can walk this path side by side as a strong united force as a loving couple better than we were before. And damn we rocked the damn house together, if I could only share that with the world ;), but a very special few in our life have seen us at the core of our unity and saw the love we had rocking for years together, even at our hardest times, we survived a lot, like those old couples that have the stories of crazy complex stories and experiences to tell to those young whipper snappers who think they found their love of their life like no other. Lol, yea, that is what I look forward to one day ;). But!!! The rituals we have done together have never skipped a beat in the least. We created a beautiful child from ritual work and as we are very powerful as individuals we are very powerful as a couple, we know it (at least I know it at this moment) and so do the ones around us. That I see very clearly and one day as the Sun comes out and dries the mist and warms the earth, he will see it too. I know I don't have to prove anything to anyone, maybe I can do something to help clear away the demons that try to cover my truth and beauty, but the sole purpose now in the moment of this post, is just that, to clear the clouds for myself, for my love to be heard, and for someone else out there that might need encouragement to take the necessary steps to find their voice too. It's been a lifelong lesson the real meaning and curse behind being an Aquarius a "humanitarian" and works from the inside out to try to change the world so that my children continue to be free to be who they are and have their unique voice be heard. I do it for them, the sacrifices we make for our children is Great. This is a fight that I will never give up, of course. I will continue to fight for liberty for them. I will continue to fight for liberty for all the ones that I love, him, my children, my sister, my family, my friends. That's just who I am and have always been. Same girl, a little older, a little wiser, and just with a clearer view of how to fight and with new tools to fight with: my work as a spiritual guide, healer, paintbrushes, and my artistic talent. :)
Light and Love,